Why My First Relationship Failed (And What It Taught Me)

💔 Relationships & Growth

Why My First Relationship Failed (And What It Taught Me)

Q: How long does it take to heal from a serious breakup?

It depends on the person and the relationship. The general rule is: for every year you spend together, expect at least 3 to 6 months to properly heal. So if you dated for 3 years, you might need 9 to 18 months to fully move on. But this is not a hard rule. Some people heal faster, some slower. The important thing is to actually do the healing work like therapy, self-reflection, and growth, not just waiting for time to pass. Time alone does not heal. Intentional healing heals.

Q: Should I stay friends with my ex after breakup?

Generally, no. At least not immediately. You both need space to heal properly and move on. Trying to be friends immediately after breakup is difficult for both people. Maybe later, like after one year or more when both of you have fully healed and moved on, you can be cordial. But rushing into friendship will only keep the wound fresh. Plus, it is not fair to your future partners if you are still very close with your ex. Some boundaries should exist.

Q: How do I know if I should fight for the relationship or let it go?

Ask yourself these questions honestly: Are both of us willing to put in effort to fix things? Are the core issues fixable or are we just fundamentally incompatible? Am I fighting for the relationship or just fighting against being alone? If only one person is fighting while the other person has already checked out mentally, it is a waste of time. If the issues are character flaws that the person is not willing to change, it is a waste of time. But if both of you are still willing, the issues can be fixed, and the love is still strong, then yes, fight for it. But fight smart. Get help. Talk to a counselor. Do not just argue in circles.

Q: Is it normal to still love my ex even after they hurt me?

Very normal. In fact, it would be almost abnormal if you just woke up one day and the feelings completely disappeared. Love does not just vanish like that, especially if the relationship was meaningful. You can still love someone and still know that the relationship does not work. You can still care about them and still choose to walk away for your own peace. The feelings will fade with time, but for now, do not beat yourself up for still having feelings. Just do not let those feelings make you go back to a situation that is not healthy for you.

📅 December 23, 2025 👤 Samson Ese ⏱️ 18 min read 💬 Real Story

Welcome to Daily Reality NG, where we break down real-life issues with honesty and clarity. This one go pain you small. Because I'm about to tell you how I messed up my first real relationship. Three years. Gone. All because I didn't know what I know now. If you don chop breakfast before or you dey inside relationship wey dey confuse you — sit down, read this thing. E go help you.

🎯 Why You Should Listen to This Story

I'm Samson Ese, founder of Daily Reality NG. I've been writing about real Nigerian experiences since 2016. But this particular article? E different. This no be relationship advice wey I copy from oyibo book. This na my actual life. My actual pain. My actual lessons. I dated someone for three years — 2018 to 2021. And I lost her. Not because she cheated. Not because we no love each other. But because I was immature, stubborn, and I thought I knew everything. Today, I go show you exactly where I failed. So you no go repeat my mistake.

💔 How It Started: That Tuesday Evening in Yaba

February 2018. I'm standing outside Shoprite Yaba, checking my phone every 30 seconds like person wey dey wait for job interview result. My guy don set me up on blind date. First time in my life.

I no even sabi how to dress. I wear black jean, white polo shirt, and those Converse sneakers wey everybody dey wear that time. My palms dey sweat. Heart dey beat like talking drum.

Then I see her.

Chioma. Walking towards me with this shy smile wey almost make me faint. She dey wear simple blue dress. Hair packed in bun. Simple earrings. Nothing fancy. But guy... something just happen inside my chest that day.

"You be Samson?" she asked.

"Yes... yes, na me," I stammered like person wey dey do stammerer audition.

We sit down for that Food Court. I order chicken and chips wey I no even chop because my stomach don tight with nervousness. We talk. We laugh. We connect.

That evening, I walk am go her bus stop for Palmgrove. The whole time, I'm thinking "abeg, make this girl like me. Just small."

Two weeks later, we officially dey date.

And omo, those first 6 months? Paradise. Pure paradise.

We dey call every night. Sometimes for 3 hours straight. We dey gist about everything — family, dreams, fears, random nonsense. I remember one night we argue for 45 minutes about whether jollof rice or fried rice better. She say fried rice. I say jollof. We never settle that argument till today.

She fit cook ehn! Her stew alone go make you slap your mama (sorry mama, na figure of speech). And she get this laugh wey dey make you wan just dey crack joke tire.

I was happy. Genuinely happy.

But then... things start dey change.

Young woman smiling outdoors with a hopeful, healed expression in warm sunlight — Portrait of a young woman smiling outdoors, radiating hope and healing in golden sunlight.
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🚩 The Red Flags I Ignored (And You're Probably Ignoring Right Now)

Look, let me be honest with you.

The relationship didn't just "fail" one day. E been dey fail small small for like one year plus. But I no wan see am. I been dey form "we go dey alright."

You know those warning signs wey dey flash like traffic light? I see dem. I just decide say I no care.

Red Flag #1: We Stopped Talking (Really Talking)

Around month 8, our phone calls start dey reduce. From 3 hours to 1 hour. Then 30 minutes. Then 10 minutes of "how was your day?" "fine" "okay, good night."

The gist disappear. The deep conversations wey we dey have? Gone.

I remember one time I try bring am up. "Babe, I feel like we no dey talk like before."

"We dey talk na," she replied. "Wetin you mean?"

And I just let it go. Because I no wan wahala. Big mistake. HUGE mistake.

⚠️ REAL TALK: When the conversations start dying, the relationship don already enter danger zone. If you and your partner fit stay together for 2 hours without genuinely gisting, something dey wrong. Address am. Fast.

Red Flag #2: I Put My Pride Before Her Feelings

This one pain me to admit.

Any small argument, I must win. I must prove say I'm right. Even when I know say I'm wrong, I go still argue just because my pride no wan make me apologize.

One time, I promise say I go attend her younger sister's graduation. The girl been dey excited. Chioma been dey count on me. But my friend invite me for hangout same day, and because I been dey vex with Chioma over something silly, I just cancel on her last minute.

"Samson, you promised," she said on phone. I fit hear the disappointment for her voice.

"Something came up," I lied. "I go make it up to you."

I never made it up to her. And that pattern continued.

Promise and disappoint. Promise and disappoint. Until she stop believing anything wey comot from my mouth.

Red Flag #3: I Took Her for Granted

This one na the wickedest one. Because e dey happen slowly. You no go even know.

At first, if Chioma cook for me, I go dey thank her well well. I go appreciate am. But after like one year, e become normal. Expected. Like she suppose just dey do am.

She go spend 2 hours cooking my favorite soup, bring am come my place, and I go just chop am while scrolling through Instagram. No proper thank you. No genuine appreciation.

The small small things wey I dey do at the beginning — surprise visits, random "I'm thinking about you" texts, planning nice dates — all of dem stop.

I thought say because we don dey together for long, I no need put in effort again. After all, she's my girlfriend. She go understand.

Wrong. Dead wrong.

💡 TRUTH BOMB: The effort wey you put to get the person supposed continue even after you don get them. Love na verb, not noun. E require constant action. The day you stop trying na the day the relationship start dying.

Red Flag #4: We Had Different Visions

Year 2, we start talking about future. Marriage. Kids. All those serious tins.

And na there I see say we get serious problem.

Chioma wan marry latest by 27. She been clear about am from beginning. But me? I been dey do blog full-time, money never really dey, and I'm thinking "marriage fit wait na, we still young."

So anytime she bring up the topic, I go just dodge am. "We go talk about am later." "Make we focus on now first." "Why you dey rush?"

But she no been dey rush. She just been dey clear about wetin she want. And I been dey waste her time because I no been ready to be honest say I no fit give her that thing yet.

If I'm being honest now? That was wicked. Pure wickedness.

Young woman smiling peacefully outdoors in a sunlit park, expressing calm and contentment — A serene portrait of a young woman smiling in a sun-dappled park, radiating calm and contentment.
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**Image credit:** © Daily Reality NG News

❌ 5 Specific Mistakes That Destroyed Everything

Make I break am down for you proper. These na the exact things wey kill my relationship. And I see Nigerian guys doing the same nonsense every day.

Mistake #1: I Didn't Listen — I Just Waited to Talk

Whenever Chioma dey talk to me about something wey dey bother her, I no dey really listen. I go just dey wait for her to finish so I fit talk my own.

She: "Samson, I feel like you no dey make time for me again."

Me (inside my head): "Ehen, when she finish, I go tell her about the blog work wey dey stress me."

You see the problem? I no dey hear her. I just dey wait for my turn to defend myself or explain why I been busy.

Real listening supposed be: hear her words, understand her feelings, respond to her actual concern. Not just wait for your turn to talk.

Mistake #2: I Compared Her to Other Girls

This one na pure wickedness wey I no even realize I been dey do.

"My guy's girlfriend dey always dress fine when dem dey go out. Why you no dey dress like that?"

"You see how Tunde's babe dey support am? She dey post am on her status every day."

Small small comparisons wey I thought na joke. But dem been dey cut her deep.

Nobody wan hear say dem no measure up. Nobody wan feel like dem no be enough. And my foolish comparisons been dey make her feel exactly like that.

🔴 STOP THIS NOW: Never — and I mean NEVER — compare your partner to someone else. Not even as "joke." That thing dey destroy self-esteem slowly. If you get issue, address the actual issue. Don't bring another person into am.

Mistake #3: I Expected Her to Read My Mind

I go dey vex for weeks, but when she ask wetin happen, I go say "nothing, I dey okay."

Or I go expect her to just know say I need space without me telling her.

Bro, she no be prophet. She no fit read your mind. If something dey worry you, TALK. Use your mouth. Open am and yarn wetin dey inside.

I remember one time I been dey vex because she didn't call me on my birthday until 3pm. For my mind, I been feel say if she really loves me, she go call me by 12am. So the whole day, I just dey cold with her.

"Samson, you good?" she kept asking.

"Yes, I dey okay," I kept lying.

By evening, she don tire. "If you no wan talk, no wahala. When you ready, you know where I dey."

And that's how small small things pile up until e become big wall between both of us.

Mistake #4: I Focused on Being Right Instead of Being Happy

Every argument, I MUST win.

Even when I know say I'm wrong, my pride no go gree make me just admit am and apologize. I go rather argue for 3 hours, bring up things from 6 months ago, just to prove my point.

One day, Chioma just look me tire and say: "Samson, you wan be right or you wan be happy? Because you no fit get both for this matter."

That hit me. But did I change? No. My pride been too strong.

Mistake #5: I Stopped Growing

While Chioma dey grow — learning new skills, advancing in her career, working on herself — I just dey stagnant.

Same hustle wey no dey really move. Same excuses. Same "I go do am next month."

And slowly, we start operating on different wavelengths. She dey talk about vision, goals, plans. I just dey talk about how life hard and Nigeria no good.

She no been ask me to get millions. She just been want make I dey show progress. Make I dey show say I dey work towards something.

But I been comfortable. And comfort na the enemy of growth.

💡 Did You Know?

Nigerian Relationship Statistics:

According to recent surveys, 68% of Nigerian relationships end due to communication issues — not cheating or financial problems
The average Nigerian couple has their first serious "future" conversation around 18 months into the relationship
75% of Nigerian men admit they've taken their partner for granted at some point in their relationship
Only 32% of young Nigerian couples discuss their long-term goals before entering serious relationships
Relationship counselors report that pride and refusal to apologize is the #1 issue they see in Nigerian male clients

Young woman smiling outdoors with a calm and hopeful expression in a sunlit park — A warm and peaceful portrait of a young woman smiling gently in a sunlit outdoor setting.
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**Image credit:** © Daily Reality NG News

💔 The Day Everything Crashed (This Part Still Dey Pain Me)

August 14, 2021. Saturday evening. Around 6pm.

We been don plan to see that weekend. But Friday night, my guy call say make we go club. And because I no been dey vibe Chioma well those days (we just recover from one argument), I cancel on her.

"Something came up," I text her. No phone call. Just text.

She no even reply. Just "Okay" and one emoji. That should have been my first clue.

Saturday evening, she call me. Voice calm. Too calm.

"Samson, abeg we need to talk."

My heart skip. Because I know that tone. That's not "let's gist" tone. That's "something serious dey about to happen" tone.

"Okay, I dey listen," I say, trying to sound casual but my stomach don tight already.

"I think... I think we need to end this."

Silence.

Long, heavy silence wey feel like somebody don pour ice water on my head.

"Wetin?" I finally manage to say. "Chioma, where this one comot from?"

She take deep breath. "Samson, I don tire. I don really tire. E be like say we just dey manage. Like we dey do motion but we no dey really move."

"But... but we fit work am out na. Every relationship get challenges. We go..."

"No." Her voice been firm now. "I don try. God knows say I don try. But you... you never ready. And I no wan reach 30 and realize say I don waste my time."

That last part pierce me like knife.

We argue for like 30 minutes. I beg. I promise. I tell her everything go change. But she don already make up her mind.

And the thing wey pain me most? She been right. About everything. I just been too proud to see am before.

"I'm sorry," she finally say. "But this na the best decision for both of us."

Click.

She cut the call.

And just like that, three years done. Finished. Over.

The Aftermath (The Part Nobody Talks About)

The first week, I been dey form strong. "I go dey alright. Na she go regret am." Classic toxic masculinity talk.

Week two, reality set in. I start seeing her face everywhere. That restaurant we dey always eat. That movie we been plan to watch. Even jollof rice remind me of her.

I try call her. Voicemail.

I send text. Blue tick. No reply.

I even show for her house one time. Her younger sister open gate, look me with that "you messed up" face and tell me say Chioma no wan see me.

Omo, that pain pass the actual breakup sef.

Month three, I see her picture on my guy's WhatsApp status. She dey smile. Looking good. Looking... happy. Without me.

And that's when e finally hit me say I don lose something wey I fit never get back.

I cried that night. Real tears. Not the "dust enter my eye" type. The type wey your whole body dey shake. The type wey make you question yourself: "Samson, wetin you do with your life?"

💚 ENCOURAGING WORD #1: If you dey go through breakup right now, abeg know this: the pain no go last forever. I know say e dey feel like your world don end. I know say some mornings you go wake up and the first thing wey go hit you na "she/he don go." But I swear to you, e go get better. Not tomorrow. Maybe not next month. But eventually, the pain go reduce. You go heal. You go grow. Trust the process.

📚 What That Failure Taught Me About Love (Real Lessons Wey Nobody Teach Me)

It's been over 3 years now since that breakup. And honestly? I dey grateful for am.

I know say e sound crazy. But that failure teach me things wey no book, no movie, no friend advice fit teach me.

Lesson #1: Love No Be Enough

This one go shock you. But e true.

Me and Chioma love each other. Genuine love. But love alone no fit sustain relationship. You need:

Compatibility: Your life goals supposed align, at least for the major things
Communication: You fit love person die, but if both of una no fit talk true to each other, e no go work
Effort: Consistent, intentional effort from BOTH sides
Growth: Both of una supposed dey grow together, not one person dey move forward while the other person dey stagnant
Timing: Sometimes you fit be right person but wrong time

Love na foundation. But you still need walls, roof, windows, and furniture to build house. You get me?

Lesson #2: Communication Na Everything

I fit no lie, if me and Chioma been sabi communicate well, maybe we for still dey together.

But we no been sabi talk true. I been dey hide my real feelings. She been dey bottle things up until e explode. And both of us been dey assume say we understand each other when we really no understand anything.

Real communication means:

Saying how you feel, even when e dey uncomfortable
Listening to understand, not to respond
Asking questions instead of making assumptions
Being vulnerable and honest about your fears
Addressing issues immediately, not letting dem pile up

Now, for my current relationships (friends, family, even work), I dey practice proper communication. And the difference? Night and day.

Lesson #3: Pride Dey Kill Relationships Faster Than Cheating

Forget all those movies wey dey show cheating as the number one relationship killer. Na lie.

Pride — the inability to say "I was wrong" or "I'm sorry" — that one dey kill relationships pass anything.

I see am with my own eyes. How many times simple "sorry" for solve problem, but because I no wan "lose face," I just dey argue till the matter become bigger than necessary.

Now, I don learn say apologizing no mean say you weak. E mean say you value the relationship more than your ego. And that's actually strength, not weakness.

💡 REAL WISDOM: "Sorry" na three-letter word wey get power to save three-year relationship. But pride go make you lose someone wey you fit spend 30 years with. Choose wisely.

Lesson #4: Work On Yourself BEFORE You Work On a Relationship

This na the hardest lesson I learn.

I been enter relationship with Chioma as incomplete person. I been get issues — insecurity, poor communication skills, no clear vision for my life, emotional immaturity.

And I been expect say the relationship go fix me. Or worse, say she go fix me.

But nobody fit complete you. Nobody suppose fix you. That's YOUR work. Your responsibility.

After the breakup, I spend over one year just working on myself:

Reading books on emotional intelligence
Going for therapy (yes, therapy no be for mad people)
Building my business properly
Learning how to manage my emotions
Understanding what I really want from life

And you know wetin I discover? Say the problem no been Chioma or the relationship. The problem been ME. I just been using relationship as distraction from dealing with my own issues.

Lesson #5: Sometimes Letting Go Na the Most Loving Thing You Fit Do

For over one year after the breakup, I been dey convince myself say I go get her back. Say I go show her say I don change.

But one day, my mentor tell me something wey change my perspective:

"Samson, sometimes the most loving thing you fit do for person na to let them go. Especially if you know say you never ready to give them wetin dem need."

That hit different.

Because the truth be say, even though I don grow and change now, maybe na the breakup wey push me to grow. If we never break up, maybe I for still dey the same immature guy.

So in a twisted way, letting Chioma go been the right thing. Both for her and for me.

She deserved someone wey been ready. And I needed time to become that person — not for her, but for myself and whoever my future partner go be.

💚 ENCOURAGING WORD #2: If you just lose somebody wey you love, e no mean say you be failure. Sometimes breakup na redirection, no be rejection. Maybe the universe dey save both of una from wasting more time for something wey no been meant to last forever. And that's okay. That's actually a blessing, even though e no feel like blessing now.

Young woman smiling warmly outdoors in golden sunlight, expressing peace and emotional healing — A radiant portrait of a young woman smiling outdoors in soft sunlight, symbolizing warmth and renewal.
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👥 5 Real Stories from Other Nigerian Men Who Learn the Hard Way

I no be the only person wey mess up relationship. After I share my story for our WhatsApp group, other guys begin open up. Make I share some of their stories (names changed for privacy):

Story 1

Tunde's Tale: "I Chose My Boys Over My Babe"

The Mistake: Tunde been dey prioritize his friends over his girlfriend every single time. Birthday? He dey with the boys. Anniversary? The boys don plan hangout. Her graduation? The boys need am for road trip.

The Result: After 2 years of feeling like second option, she leave am. Now Tunde dey single while his "boys" don all settle down with their own babes.

The Lesson: Your friends go always dey there. But the woman wey you dey treat like option go eventually become somebody else's priority. Balance matters.

Story 2

Chinedu's Story: "I Was Broke AND Lazy"

The Mistake: Chinedu been broke — and that one alone no been the problem. The problem been say he no been dey do anything about am. No hustle. No plan. Just vibes and "God's time."

The Result: His girlfriend stick with am for 4 years, supporting, encouraging, believing. But when she realize say Chinedu no really get ambition, just excuses, she comot.

The Lesson: Being broke no be sin. But being broke and lazy na different matter entirely. Women no dey ask for millions. Dem just want see effort, ambition, and progress.

Story 3

Emeka's Experience: "I No Sabi Express Affection"

The Mistake: Emeka love him babe. Like, genuine love. But he no fit show am. No sweet words. No public acknowledgment. No random "I'm thinking about you" messages. Him love language been "providing" — but she been need emotional connection too.

The Result: She begin feel like roommate instead of girlfriend. After multiple conversations wey no change anything, she move on to someone wey fit give her both provision AND affection.

The Lesson: Love wey person no fit feel na the same as no love at all. Learn your partner's love language and speak am fluently.

Story 4

Biodun's Mistake: "I Kept Female Friends She No Trust"

The Mistake: Biodun get female bestie wey been dey before the relationship. Nothing dey happen between dem, but the bestie been dey overstep boundaries — calling late night, dem dey hang out one-on-one, she dey come uninvited. His girlfriend express concern multiple times, but Biodun just dey form "you dey jealous."

The Result: After one final incident where the female friend disrespect his girlfriend publicly and he no defend her, she pack comot.

The Lesson: You fit get female friends. But if those friendships dey threaten your relationship and you no dey willing to set boundaries, you go lose your partner. Choose wisely.

Story 5

Segun's Regret: "I Compare Her to My Ex"

The Mistake: "My ex used to do this..." "My ex never complain about that..." Segun no realize say he been dey constantly compare his current babe to his ex. And not even in good way — just pointing out where the new girl dey fall short.

The Result: After 8 months of feeling like she dey compete with ghost, she tell am "go back to your ex na" and comot.

The Lesson: Your current partner na different person. Dem no suppose live up to your ex's standards or compete with memories. If you still hung up on your ex, no enter new relationship yet.

All these guys — me included — we don learn. Some the hard way. But the lessons wey we learn go guide us for future relationships. And that's the point. We no perfect. We go mess up. But make we learn from am.

💭 Relationship Wisdom I Wish Somebody Tell Me at 24

After everything I don experience, after all the pain and growth, these na the truths wey I hold dear about relationships. Maybe dem go help you avoid my mistakes:

🌟 Motivational Quotes from My Journey

"The relationship you lost was not wasted time. It was a classroom, and you were a student learning lessons you'll carry forever. Graduation just came sooner than you expected."