- Get link
- X
- Other Apps
⏱️ 8 min read
Key Takeaways
- Gaslighting makes you doubt your own reality, memory, and perceptions through deliberate psychological manipulation.
- Common tactics include denial, trivializing your feelings, shifting blame, and isolating you from support systems.
- Warning signs include constant self-doubt, apologizing excessively, feeling confused after interactions, and questioning your sanity.
- Gaslighting happens in romantic relationships, families, workplaces, and friendships across all cultures, including Nigerian contexts.
- Protection involves documenting experiences, trusting your instincts, seeking support, and setting firm boundaries.
- Recovery is possible with professional help, supportive relationships, and commitment to your mental wellbeing.
Adaobi sat in her Lagos apartment, staring at her phone in confusion. Her partner had just accused her of being dramatic about something she clearly remembered happening. But now, after twenty minutes of back-and-forth messages, she found herself apologizing and wondering if maybe she had overreacted. Maybe she really was too sensitive. Maybe her memory was playing tricks on her.
This wasn't the first time. Over the past months, these moments had become more frequent. She would raise a concern, only to end up feeling like the problem. She would remember events one way, only to be told she was wrong. Her confidence was eroding, replaced by constant second-guessing.
What Adaobi was experiencing has a name: gaslighting. This subtle form of psychological manipulation leaves victims questioning their own reality, and it happens more often than most people realize.
In Nigerian homes, offices, and relationships, manipulation and gaslighting often hide behind cultural norms, respect for authority, or claims of love and care. Understanding these tactics is the first step toward protecting your mental health and reclaiming your sense of reality.
What Is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse where someone manipulates you into doubting your perceptions, memories, and sanity. The term comes from a 1938 play called "Gas Light," where a husband systematically manipulates his wife into believing she's losing her mind by dimming the gas lights in their home and denying it when she notices.
In real life, gaslighting works the same way. The manipulator denies your reality, dismisses your feelings, and twists situations to make you question yourself. Over time, this erodes your confidence and makes you dependent on the gaslighter's version of reality.
What makes gaslighting particularly dangerous is that it happens gradually. You don't wake up one day suddenly doubting everything. Instead, it's a slow process where small incidents accumulate until you find yourself constantly unsure, apologizing for things that aren't your fault, and feeling like you're walking on eggshells.
"The worst part about being gaslit is not just doubting what happened, but doubting yourself as a person. You start to wonder if you're really as unreasonable, dramatic, or forgetful as they say you are."
Gaslighting isn't limited to romantic relationships. It happens in families, where parents might dismiss a child's experiences or feelings. It occurs in workplaces, where bosses deny promised promotions or take credit for your work while claiming you're misremembering. It appears in friendships, where someone consistently makes you feel bad about yourself while claiming they're just being honest.
Common Manipulation Tactics
Outright Denial
The gaslighter flatly denies things they said or did, even when you have clear evidence. They might say, "I never said that," "That didn't happen," or "You're making things up." This tactic is designed to make you doubt your memory and perception of events.
Trivializing Your Feelings
When you express hurt or concern, they dismiss it as an overreaction. Common phrases include "You're too sensitive," "You're being dramatic," "It's not a big deal," or "You're overreacting." This teaches you that your emotions aren't valid and you shouldn't trust your own feelings.
Shifting Blame
Even when they're clearly at fault, gaslighters turn the situation around to make it your fault. They might say things like, "I wouldn't have done that if you hadn't," "You made me act this way," or "This is because of your behavior." Suddenly, you're apologizing for their actions.
Using Your Words Against You
Manipulators are skilled at twisting your words or taking them out of context. They'll quote something you said weeks ago and claim it means something entirely different, leaving you confused and defensive.
Isolation Tactics
Gaslighters often try to separate you from friends, family, or anyone who might validate your reality. They might say your loved ones are bad influences, don't understand your relationship, or are trying to turn you against them. This isolation makes you more dependent on the gaslighter's version of truth.
Projection
They accuse you of behaviors they're actually guilty of. A cheating partner might constantly accuse you of cheating. Someone who lies regularly might call you dishonest. This deflects attention from their actions and keeps you on the defensive.
Warning: These tactics rarely appear alone. Gaslighters typically use multiple manipulation strategies simultaneously, making it harder to identify what's happening.
Warning Signs You're Being Gaslit
Recognizing gaslighting in your own life can be challenging because the manipulation is designed to make you doubt yourself. However, certain patterns emerge consistently in gaslighting situations.
You Constantly Second-Guess Yourself
Where you once trusted your judgment, you now question every decision. You find yourself wondering if you're remembering things correctly, if your feelings are justified, or if you're really as difficult as they say you are.
You Apologize Constantly
Even when you're not sure what you did wrong, you find yourself apologizing to keep the peace. You apologize for expressing your needs, for having feelings, for taking up space. The word "sorry" has become your default response.
You Feel Confused After Interactions
Conversations leave you feeling disoriented. You entered the discussion to address one issue but somehow ended up defending yourself about something completely different. You leave interactions feeling worse than when you started.
You Make Excuses for Their Behavior
You find yourself defending the person who's hurting you. "They're just stressed," "They had a difficult childhood," "They don't mean it like that." You rationalize their actions while minimizing your own hurt.
You Question Your Sanity
You've started wondering if something is wrong with you. Maybe you are too sensitive. Maybe you do overreact. Maybe you're the problem in the relationship. These thoughts dominate your internal dialogue.
You Feel Isolated
Your relationships with friends and family have become strained. Either the gaslighter has convinced you they don't have your best interests at heart, or you've pulled away because you're ashamed or confused about your situation.
You've Lost Your Sense of Self
You struggle to remember what you used to enjoy or who you were before this relationship. Your opinions, preferences, and personality seem to have faded, replaced by constant uncertainty and the need to please.
Why Gaslighting Works
Understanding why gaslighting is so effective helps explain why intelligent, capable people can fall victim to it. Several psychological factors make this manipulation particularly powerful.
Trust and Attachment
We naturally want to trust people we care about, especially romantic partners and family members. When someone we love tells us we're wrong about our own experiences, cognitive dissonance kicks in. It's easier to doubt ourselves than to accept that someone we trust is deliberately deceiving us.
Gradual Escalation
Gaslighting doesn't start with major incidents. It begins with small denials or dismissals that seem insignificant. By the time the manipulation becomes severe, you've already adjusted to accepting the gaslighter's reality over your own.
Cultural and Social Conditioning
In Nigerian culture, respect for elders, partners, or authority figures can make it harder to trust your own perceptions when they contradict someone in a position of power. Women especially are often socialized to be agreeable, doubt themselves, and prioritize others' feelings over their own reality.
Emotional Investment
The more invested you are in a relationship, the harder it is to acknowledge that the other person is harming you. You've invested time, emotions, and sometimes resources. Admitting to gaslighting means confronting that this investment might have been misplaced.
Isolation Effects
When gaslighters successfully isolate you from supportive relationships, you lose access to people who might validate your reality. Without external confirmation, it becomes nearly impossible to trust your own perceptions against the gaslighter's confident assertions.
Real-Life Examples
Recognizing gaslighting becomes easier when you see how it plays out in actual situations. These examples reflect common scenarios that happen across Nigerian homes, workplaces, and relationships.
In Romantic Relationships
Chidi promised Nkem they would visit her parents in Enugu for Christmas. When December arrived and he made other plans, Nkem reminded him of his promise. Chidi responded with anger, saying he never made such a promise and that Nkem was trying to control him. When Nkem showed him their text messages discussing the trip, he claimed she was manipulating the conversation and taking things out of context. Eventually, Nkem apologized for bringing it up.
This pattern repeated with other promises and agreements. Over time, Nkem stopped trusting her own memory and began recording conversations, feeling guilty for doing so but unable to shake the feeling that something was wrong.
In the Workplace
Tunde worked at a marketing firm in Victoria Island where his boss repeatedly took credit for his campaign ideas. When Tunde mentioned this to his boss, the response was dismissive: "You're misunderstanding the collaborative process. Everyone contributes, and I present our team's work. You're being territorial and unprofessional."
When Tunde's colleagues noticed and mentioned it, his boss called a meeting suggesting Tunde had an attitude problem and wasn't a team player. Tunde found himself apologizing and working even harder to prove his dedication, while his original concern was never addressed.
In Family Dynamics
Growing up, Amara's mother would often criticize her appearance, choices, and achievements. When Amara finally confronted her mother about how these comments hurt, her mother's response was immediate: "I never said those things. You're too sensitive. I've only ever tried to help you improve yourself. This is how you repay me for everything I've done?"
Amara's siblings had witnessed these comments, but when she brought this up, her mother accused her of turning the family against her. Amara ended up apologizing for being ungrateful, despite her legitimate hurt.
In Friendships
Blessing had a friend who would share her secrets with others, then deny it when confronted. When mutual friends confirmed the betrayal, the friend claimed they were all jealous of their friendship and trying to cause problems. She would cry, say she was hurt by the accusation, and somehow Blessing would end up comforting her and apologizing for doubting their friendship.
These examples share common elements: denial of reality, emotional manipulation, blame-shifting, and the victim ending up feeling guilty for raising legitimate concerns. Understanding these patterns helps you identify manipulation in your own experiences.
How to Protect Yourself
Once you recognize gaslighting, protecting yourself becomes crucial. Recovery and boundary-setting require intentional actions and often external support.
Trust Your Instincts
Your gut feeling exists for a reason. If something feels wrong, don't immediately dismiss that feeling. Your instincts are processing information your conscious mind might not have fully articulated yet. When you feel confused, manipulated, or diminished after interactions with someone, pay attention to that feeling.
Document Everything
Keep records of conversations, agreements, and incidents. Save text messages, emails, and voice notes. Write down what happened immediately after concerning interactions, including dates, times, and exact words when possible. This documentation serves two purposes: it provides concrete evidence when your memory is challenged, and it helps you see patterns you might otherwise rationalize away.
Maintain Outside Relationships
Stay connected with friends, family, and others who knew you before the gaslighting began. These relationships provide perspective and validation. If someone tries to isolate you from supportive people, that's a major red flag. Healthy relationships don't require you to cut off everyone who cares about you.
Set Firm Boundaries
Clearly communicate what behavior you will and won't accept. When someone crosses those boundaries, follow through with consequences. This might mean ending conversations when someone becomes dismissive, leaving situations where you're not being respected, or ultimately ending relationships that consistently harm you.
In practice, this might sound like: "When you tell me I didn't experience something I know happened, I feel disrespected. If this continues, I will need to limit our interactions." Then actually limit those interactions if the behavior persists.
Seek Professional Support
A therapist can help you process your experiences, rebuild your confidence, and develop strategies for dealing with manipulation. In Nigerian cities like Lagos, Port Harcourt, and Abuja, mental health professionals are increasingly accessible. Online therapy options also provide support if in-person sessions aren't feasible.
Practice Self-Validation
Relearn to trust yourself. Your feelings are valid even if someone disagrees with them. Your memory is reliable even if someone denies it. Your experiences are real even if someone dismisses them. Start small by making decisions without seeking approval and noticing when you're right about things.
Educate Yourself
Learning about manipulation tactics, psychological abuse, and healthy relationship dynamics helps you recognize problems earlier. Knowledge is genuinely powerful when it comes to protecting yourself from gaslighting.
Create an Exit Strategy
If you're in a gaslighting situation, especially one involving a romantic partner or family member you live with, having a safety plan is important. This includes having somewhere safe to go, access to important documents, financial independence if possible, and people you can call for support. You don't have to use this plan, but having it provides options.
Important: If you're experiencing gaslighting alongside physical abuse or threats, your safety is the priority. Contact organizations like the Domestic and Sexual Violence Response Team (DSVRT) or the National Human Rights Commission for immediate assistance.
Getting Help and Moving Forward
Recovery from gaslighting takes time, but it's absolutely possible. Many people who've experienced this form of manipulation go on to build healthy relationships and reclaim their sense of self.
Acknowledge What Happened
The first step in healing is acknowledging that you were manipulated. This isn't about blaming yourself; it's about recognizing reality. Gaslighting happened to you, but it doesn't define you. Intelligent, strong people experience manipulation. It says nothing about your worth or capabilities.
Rebuild Your Self-Trust
Gaslighting damages your ability to trust your own perceptions and judgments. Rebuilding this trust happens gradually. Start by making small decisions and noting when your instincts prove correct. Keep a journal where you record your thoughts and feelings without judgment. Over time, you'll see that your perceptions are valid and your memory is reliable.
Process Your Emotions
You might feel anger, grief, shame, or confusion about what happened. All these emotions are valid. Anger at being manipulated is healthy. Grief over the relationship you thought you had is natural. Shame about not recognizing it sooner is common but undeserved. Allow yourself to feel these emotions without rushing to "get over it."
Reconnect With Your Identity
Gaslighting often leaves victims feeling like they've lost themselves. Reconnecting with who you are involves exploring what you actually think, feel, and want without considering anyone else's opinion. What do you enjoy? What are your values? What makes you laugh? Rediscovering these aspects of yourself is part of healing.
Build Healthy Relationships
Not everyone is a gaslighter. Healthy relationships exist, characterized by mutual respect, validation of feelings, accountability when mistakes happen, and support for your growth and autonomy. Learning what healthy relationships look like helps you recognize and maintain them while avoiding manipulative ones.
Set New Standards
After experiencing gaslighting, you're better equipped to recognize red flags early. Trust that knowledge. Don't ignore warning signs because you want to give someone the benefit of the doubt. Healthy people won't be offended by reasonable boundaries or honest communication about your needs.
Support Resources in Nigeria
Several organizations provide support for people dealing with emotional abuse and manipulation. The Cece Yara Foundation focuses on preventing child sexual abuse but also provides resources for adult survivors of various forms of abuse. The Project Alert Violence Against Women organization offers counseling and support services. Many churches and community organizations also provide counseling, though ensure any counselor you work with understands psychological manipulation and doesn't minimize your experience.
Online Communities and Support
Sometimes connecting with others who've experienced similar situations helps you feel less alone. Online support groups and forums allow you to share experiences, learn from others, and realize that what you experienced wasn't unique to you. Just ensure these spaces are moderated and supportive rather than dwelling in victimhood without moving toward healing.
"Healing from gaslighting isn't about forgetting what happened. It's about remembering who you are despite what happened. You're not broken. You're recovering."
Moving forward doesn't mean you'll never doubt yourself again or that relationships will always be easy. It means you'll have the tools to recognize manipulation, the confidence to trust yourself, and the strength to protect your mental health. That's not just recovery; that's growth.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where someone makes you question your own reality, memory, or perceptions. The term comes from a 1938 play where a husband manipulates his wife into thinking she's losing her mind. In real life, gaslighters deny your experiences, dismiss your feelings, and twist situations until you doubt yourself and rely on their version of reality instead of trusting your own perceptions.
How can I tell if someone is manipulating me?
Signs of manipulation include feeling confused after conversations with someone, constant self-doubt about your memory or perceptions, apologizing even when you're not wrong, feeling like you're walking on eggshells around them, isolation from friends and family, and noticing they never take accountability for their actions. Trust your instincts. If interactions consistently leave you feeling diminished or questioning yourself, manipulation may be occurring.
What should I do if I'm being gaslit?
Document your experiences by saving messages and writing down incidents with dates and details. Trust your instincts even when someone tells you you're wrong. Seek support from trusted friends, family members, or a therapist who can provide perspective. Set firm boundaries about acceptable behavior and follow through with consequences when those boundaries are violated. If necessary, distance yourself from the gaslighter. Your mental health and safety come first.
Can gaslighting happen in Nigerian families?
Yes, gaslighting can occur in any culture or family structure, including Nigerian families. It might be masked as respect for elders, cultural norms, or tough love, but dismissing someone's feelings or experiences is still harmful regardless of cultural context. Parents might gaslight children, siblings might gaslight each other, or extended family members might manipulate relatives. Cultural respect doesn't justify making someone doubt their own reality.
Is gaslighting always intentional?
Not always. Some people gaslight others without fully realizing it, often repeating patterns they learned from their own families or past relationships. They might genuinely believe their version of events or not understand the impact of their dismissive behavior. However, whether intentional or not, the impact on the victim is still harmful and needs to be addressed. Lack of intent doesn't erase the damage caused.
How long does it take to recover from gaslighting?
Recovery time varies depending on how long the gaslighting lasted, its severity, your support system, and whether you're receiving professional help. Some people notice improvement within months, while others need years to fully rebuild their self-trust and confidence. Recovery isn't linear; you'll have good days and difficult days. What matters is that healing is possible with proper support, self-compassion, and commitment to your wellbeing.
Need Support?
If you're experiencing gaslighting or manipulation and need someone to talk to, reach out to mental health professionals or trusted support networks. You don't have to face this alone.
Get Support
Comments
Post a Comment